Most people have a list of things to do before they leave on a trip. Buy plane tickets, buy luggage, buy outfits… do a bit of training, clean-eating, or nail-painting. But ME? I play it a little differently.
I’ve just come home from another vacation, and I didn’t have time to tell you about this before I left. Three days before we left for South Africa, I smashed my face, and the rest of my body really, against some concrete.
I accomplished this by falling off my bicycle in a most spectacular manner.
In fact, it wasn’t so much falling, as FLYING.
While this may seem like a spectacular feat, that’s really just the beginning. Because anything that’s worth doing, is worth doing in front of an audience. And, for this girl, not just any audience would do.
I preferred to perform my outrageous tumble about ten feet away from a collection of gussied-up grads. It was grad day, after all, and they were taking pictures in the park, when I flew by and bit it.
I’m not going to do something so amazing, and not have anyone see it. OBVIOUSLY.
I had a lot to do that day, and I was determined to do it via bicycle. Because why not? I was feeling great, I was up to it. However… there was a storm on the horizon (ooooh!) and I wanted to get home before the rain began. This was why I was pedalling so fast.
I took the bike path that winds through the park. Seeing the grads milling about on the bike path, I figured I’d just zip by ’em on the grass, zip back onto the bike path as soon as I was past ’em, and they probably wouldn’t even notice me.
My plan was going excellently, until my tire hit the lip of the raised sidewalk. My bike went sideways, pitching my face at the concrete.
The beautifully dressed grads surrounded me with great horror. Judging by their expressions, they expected me to not have any face left at all.
But I DID still have a face!
I don’t know how that happened. I wish to goodness one of the grads had thought to record my amazing accident. I mean, there were certainly enough recording devices in their hands. Perhaps I’m in the background of one of their grad videos, hurling face-first at the pavement. I hope a video just like that surfaces. I want to see my stunning acrobatics for myself!
My glasses had slid off, unscathed. I put them back on. I could see the lipstick smudge I’d left on the sidewalk. I licked the sidewalk-grit from my front teeth… realizing I’d been within a fraction of a millimetre of knocking them out entirely.
I was dying to know what my face looked like.
I took out my little makeup mirror, opened it up, and peered at myself. I looked… okay! Though my lipstick could stand some touching up. After a quick reapplication of cherry-red, I thanked the grads for their concern, and announced that I had to go. “My face is probably going to start bleeding soon,” I explained.
I hopped on my bike and continued on my way to the grocery store. Hey, when I have a goal in mind, NOTHING stops me from my goal. I was going to get to Sobey’s and buy the heck outta those apples and carrots that were on my list!
Not gonna lie, I was in a LOT of pain. My knee was blowing up like a balloon, and there wasn’t a lot of room in my skinny cargoes for inflating knees. Also, the palms of my hands were bleeding. I was bleeding all over the handlebars. My hands were bleeding as I walked around the grocery store. Gross, I know. But you know what? I just did a face-plant on the sidewalk and I didn’t really care that I looked like an absolute zombie. Also, I hear that’s trendy, so whatevs.
As I peddled, I realized I couldn’t connect my upper and lower teeth. My entire face had been rearranged. A goose-egg was developing on my chin. And later a very dark bruise, on my chin. I guess that’s where my face really made contact with the bike path. I went to the chiropractor for a face-adjustment. That was a first for me, but he told me hockey players need face-adjustments all the time. Good to know this wasn’t a first for him, then. Well, really it was a jaw-adjustment, but it just sounds crazier to say it was a face-adjustment. Hilarious!
Then I biked home… collapsed onto the couch… and called my mom. She hurried over and fixed everything, as moms tend to be able to magically do. I love that woman!
And, three days later, Andrew and I left on our trip — me with my raw knee, bloody palms, bruised chin, and all. And it was awesome. Remind me to tell you about it sometime.